The Dark-Eyed Mistress of Sweet, Sweet Pain (jenni_the_odd) wrote,
The Dark-Eyed Mistress of Sweet, Sweet Pain

I think too much. And this is a bad thing. A very, very bad thing.

Emily, apparently, still loves Michael. However, she also claims to love Dustin, the boyfriend who she has been pissing off for her own amusement for the past few months.

Sometimes I think I'm going to fucking strangle her.

When she found out how Michael, felt, a few years ago, she dismissed it pretty quickly. She said to me that she doubted Michael knew what love was. Really, I don't think she has the slightest clue what it is. And she cannot love two people at once. Not like that.

Now, before anyone jumps down my throat for that comment (hi, S�n ^_^), let me just clarify - I'm not saying poly relationships cannot work. I'm not saying it isn't possible to love more than one person like that. If you are wired that way, so be it - I know I could never do it; I'm far too jealous and clingy to possibly share the affections of anyone, no matter how much I cared for the other people involved.
I'm saying Emily couldn't possibly do it. To be in a relationship like that requires a very strong sense of self and a definite opinion of what love and relationships should entail. Emily has a sense of self more warped than my own and her opinions change on an hourly basis. She lacks the clarity of mind and the maturity to be capable of loving more than one person. By this I mean my definition of love, not hers. Hers tends to be either "I wanna fuck him", or "I can cry on his shoulder when I am sad". Perhaps she has more depth than that, but I have never seen evidence of it. If Michael believes it to be so, I will trust his word, but I will retain that opinion until I see it for myself.

I worry that she and Michael will get back together. I worry she'll hurt him again. He's become more open lately; he doesn't hesitate to mention things that bother him so much anymore, but still...

And I'm not even going to get into my selfish, petty jealousy over all this. All right, I lied. Yes I will.
Whatever I may think of Emily, however harsh I may seem towards her, there is always a little reminder in my head. Michael loves her. He'd never love you. How much worse of a person must you be?
Nothing I can do will ever make it stop. Nothing anyone says will ever change it. Sometimes it quiets on its' own, for just a little while... But sooner or later it returns, louder than ever, every time I cringe at something Emily says or does, every time I look at her or see myself.

We were hanging up uniforms before the concert. Emily picked up a dress, held it up, and laughed loudly. "What fatass wears this thing?"
It was my sister's. She's now my size; or a size smaller. I gave her a look and pointed to the tag. She apologized and I shrugged it off, saying I was used to it from her. And I am. She responded:
"Yeah, I know, nobody likes me." I hadn't expected that.
"We may not always like you, but somehow, we love you. We'd have killed you off years ago if we didn't."
And maybe that's just how it works. I may not like, trust, or respect Emily, but I do love her. And I worry about her. I worry because she's not right in the head - and I mean that seriously. There have been times when I think it might have done her a great deal of good to have been committed. I worry about what she's going to be like in college - she's always sick or not feeling well. I have to wonder if she'll be able to handle classes when I get the distinct impression that she'll be more interested in having a good time.

I love her dearly, but sometimes I want to scream at her. It's probably a good thing I almost never see her anymore.


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