August 1st, 2001


(no subject)

I just got a tape from David; he used the words to my poem "Homecoming" and added music. ^_^ and there was one song of his own on there.

Now, the last time he gave me a tape, the quality of the sound was so poor I could barely make out the songs... this time it was MUCH better... and he can sing! who knew? He loves Radiohead - and it's really, really obvious. The songs he wrote remind me of their sound. But it's quite spiffy.

(no subject)

I should be filling out applications for UT now. But I'm not.

My mom wants me to pick other schools to apply to in case I'm not admitted to UT. But I can't think of anyplace - UT included - that I really want to go. I can't think of anything I want to do.
Well, maybe I can. Sometimes I enjoy writing, creating, working on my stories and characters. But not all the time. Sometimes I don't want to do anything, stories included. And so I doubt that would be a wise career choice.
Unfortunately, that means I have absolutely no drive. I know that whatever I choose to do in life, chances are I probably won't enjoy it. I might as well pick something somewhat lucrative, because if I'm going to have to waste my time on stuff that I don't think matters, I would like to at least be paid fairly well for it.
But what can I do? I don't really have any marketable skills. I'm not exceptionally brilliant at anything. I'm pretty damned useless, as a matter of fact. And since my GPA's pretty lousy (I really screwed myself over last year when I just stopped caring about anything and my grades slipped horribly) I've got very little to offer any college. Everyone's telling me to submit an art portfolio, for diversity if nothing else, but it's just those lame crappy "Jap cartoons" that every wannabe from age 12 and up tries to convince people is art. I have no doubt that yes, it is art - but colleges don't want that. They want more original stuff. And I don't have it. So I guess there's really no point.

Maybe I won't go to college. That'll break my parent's little hearts, but it's a helluva lot better than wasting tuition money for me to just wind up doing nothing anyway.
Wonder if TAS would take me full-time after high school. Probably. I could earn enough to live on, maybe find some roommates, share an apartmet. Yeah, I can just see it - a sitcom waiting to happen. Heh. Nah, chances are I'd drive anyone nutty enough to live with me insane, but oh well. Guess it's always an option.

(no subject)

Hmm, Michael's on now.
I'm so used to talking to him online - I forget sometimes that I will get to see him at school, too. Of course, it doesn't make any difference. He never approaches me to speak to me, and sometimes if he sees me walking in his direction, he walks away. I don't think he realizes I know that he's doing that - he might not even be consciously aware of it. But he does. I look at him and I catch his eyes, then he looks away. I stand up, he does also, and walks in the opposite direction. In the halls, I know he sees me because I see him look in my direction, then quickly act like he didn't notice me and is just looking around. I've done that too, if I see someone I'd really like to avoid.
It's not as bad as it was at the end of this last school year, when Emily was mad at me. (I didn't really do anything - She refused to speak to me for a week or two because I made her think about something Michael did that angered her) That meant that simply by association, Michael was also giving me the silent treatment. He didn't flat-out refuse to speak to me, but he wouldn't look me in the eye. He would glance over his shoulder, or keep his back turned to me as he spoke.

Sad thing is, he's probably my best friend. He knows me better than anyone else, I think. But we don't do the normal "best friend" stuff that my sister and her friends do. I've been over to his house once or twice for school projects, he's been over here once for the same reason. That's it. We don't talk on the phone, or at school. We don't sit near each other. We don't 'hang out' together. Really, our main communication is online. *sigh* and now even that's falling apart. We've got nothing to talk about. I guess I'm an idiot for still loving him anyway. Sometimes I think we'd make a lousy couple. But I can't help it, dammit. I do. Maybe I always will.

I guess I'll try to leave him alone from now on. He doesn't really want - or need - me around, so maybe he'll be happier without me bothering him.


My head hurts... damned headaches. They keep coming back.
My stomach hurts, too... knew I shouldn't have eaten. I can't seem to tolerate food lately.

my heart hurts.