January 19th, 2002


I suck

Can we accept this and move on? Okay.
  • Current Music
    computer is making odd noises.

(no subject)

When did expression become so inadequate?

The things in my head; they want out.
I try to write of them; words fail me. There are no words that could adequately describe.
I try to paint them; my brush falls dead by my side. Nothing.
I try to show them; my hands flutter uselessly, my face never sure of what expression to make.
I try to play them out with music; I am deaf, unable to force the notes to hold meaning.
I try to speak of them; I am dumb, my voice faltering each time my lips part.

And so I sit in frustrated silence.
And wait for it to fade away.
  • Current Mood
    apathetic apathetic

Fire and Death, or something along those lines.

Just got back from the funeral and the cemetery.
The funeral was all right - the minister was one we'd never met. He horribly mangled all the Spanish names and got a date or two off by a decade... but all in all it was okay.
The cemetery is very pretty... Abuelita will be in a nice little garden with a fountain nearby. My mother says she wants to be buried there, too.
I asked Nicole what she wants at her funeral (we're weird like that; I know she wants 'Time of Your Life (Good Riddance)' by Green Day played if she dies young). She said it didn't matter since she's going to die alone in a ditch anyway.

What I want my funeral to consist of depends on when and how I die.

- If I die in some sort of accident, just a quiet family affair is good. I see no need to mention anything in the paper or anywhere else, just let me disappear. Better yet, don't tell anyone outside the family. I want you all to have that special feeling you get when someone asks where I've been lately and you say, in monotone: "she's dead".
- If I ever actually manage to pull off suicide, no funeral is necessary; I fully intend to off myself somewhere obscure so that the body will not be discovered for a long time. I will leave a note describing the steps that should be taken concerning online art galleries, this LJ, etc. Mostly just a text file to be copied and pasted saying: "Jenni is dead" or something to that effect.
- If I die of old age, none of this ridiculous "let's all dress in black and boo-hoo-hoo" nonsense. I demand color. I wore enough black during my lifetime, thanks - How about everyone in attendance is forced to wear a blindingly tacky Hawaiian shirt and a silly little party hat? And instead of those aggravating hymns, a Mariachi band. Yes. That sounds nice.

What about you people, what would you want at your funeral?
  • Current Mood
    blank blank

(no subject)

well, fuck.
The computer - my computer - is having problems. This one (the ancient one that I use when the relatives are in town and the others are off-limits) is not hooked up to the scanner or tablet and can't read the CD drive, so we can't install 'em.
The other computer keeps crashing every time we reboot; with ME constantly saying explorer is having errors. I can't access anything long enough to even make an attempt to correct it. So I'm rather stuck.
I cannot scan in pages. I cannot color them even if I could somehow hook up the scanner over here.
This means until further notice, there will be no ML update.
And my house is full of people. So... many... people.. must... escape.. can't... escape...
I do not want to be around people right now. I think I'm going to go try to beat the computer into submission, since that appears to be all I can do. Mom won't let me hide. Half our church is here.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck