I could never make my sister understand.
I don't need people.
As much as she complained when our house filled with living breathing noisy beings, she admitted that she could not live without them; solitude was no comfort to her. She needed the interaction with others to keep her sane.
And I could never make her understand that I was not like her.
That odds are, I would rather stay at home alone than go to the movies with any group of people.
That the thought of parties and music and craziness filled me with dread.
That when I am upset or angry or hurt, I do not need or want a hug from anyone. In fact, odds are I will react violently if they attempt it.
That even having people too close for any extended period of time will make me fidgety and twitchy and beyond irritable, regardless of who those people are.
That the noise and confusion that goes along with groups of people is totally unappealing to me.
That I have absolutely no problem with silence.
There are altogether too many people around me. There is no way to escape them. The only doors in our house that lock, excepting Nicole's, lead outside. So anyone can get to me at any time.
My father, thankfully, seems to share my social tendencies and he hides for most of the day. My aunt and uncle are chatty folk who like to have a hand on your shoulder when they talk to you. They seem hurt when I duck away. My mother, like me, constantly demands reassurance of love, for her in the form of hugs and kisses. I cannot explain to her why even at the funeral I almost jumped away when she tried to hug me and pat me on the back. My brother Gabriel leans close when he speaks, partially for comedic purposes (as most of the time he'll be making a strange face) and partially because that's just how he is. Emma will run to you and wrap her arms around your legs. Nicole, while abhorring physical contact, is always on the phone or discussing social plans. I sometimes feel she is my opposite in every way when it comes to dealing with other people.
Tish is here. Nathalie is here. I cannot leave. I feel twitchy and I want to run away every time someone speaks to me. Tish went back to sleep; Nathalie and Gabriel are somewhere around his room, as I can hear them chatting and making silly sounds with his guitar. Nicole is, as always, on the phone.
I had hoped that tomorrow I could hole up in my room, completely alone, and just hide for the day. I don't think that's going to work. Nicole is extremely demanding and simply cannot comprehend that no, I don't want to go anywhere. No, I don't want to take her anywhere. No, I don't want to go pick up her friends.