October 4th, 2002

me

Jenni was apparently not designed to be a drooling fanboy.

I'm a horribly lazy anime 'fan'... I don't pay attention to new stuff. I don't care. I don't watch it actively anymore; it's too much of a hassle. Too much of an emotional investment to get all excited about the characters on the screen, anymore. People send me movies of it, and I watch it once, and then I never watch it again. I adore some anime art styles, I enjoy reading manga (well, I used to, I kind of stopped reading...), but I just don't watch it. Greg, John, and Drew were practically doing backflips over FLCL and when I downloaded a few episodes I went: "meh". Everyone says I ought to see Bloodlust and I can't bring myself to take the time to track it down. I watched an episode or two of Excel Saga with Tish, and frankly, I was bored out of my skull by most of it. Anime has been reduced to the category of "pretty to watch... if I have to".
Two years or so ago at this time I was a fangirl eagerly awaiting the day dial-up no longer prevented me from downloading episodes of shows I wouldn't get to see otherwise.
What happened here?
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    confused confused
OMG

(no subject)

This frightens and confuses me. mrf?

Not going back to Houston for the party at the Christman's house, where our old youth minister will be for a while. The good one, the guy we had full-time before Mark. The one the kids loved, listened to, respected, etc. The one that was dismissed, which triggered other incidents and complaints with our elders, and which then sparked the departure of pretty much everyone under 50 and their families. The youth group was my family for a while before we left as well.
This is of course, back when I lived with my parents and had to go to church. It did not become a chore until our church 'split'. I remember when my mom told me about all the other families leaving church. Their kids were like my brothers. I'd literally grown up with them. And I was told I'd never see them again. That's one of the very few times I cried. I was quite upset. Called Michael, who awkwardly told me he didn't know how to deal with that sort of thing. Learned my lesson and never called him when I was upset again.
But yeah. That was... my freshman year, I think. I've changed so much since then it really seems like I'm an entirely different person. The only people still around from that time... um. No one. Alan saw me during all four years, and he commented that I'd changed drastically (and probably not for the better). My junior year, I think it was, Greg saw something beautiful in me. It's gone now. Michael's still there, but... he's not really 'here'. I rarely chat with him. Come to think of it, he really wasn't 'there' most of my high school career, except when he and Emily were having issues. Meh.
I don't want to taint my memories of those people. I'd rather let them remain happy and fun and pleasant than be reminded of the reality that they are human. So I'm here instead of in Houston at that party. Okay.

You will all rightfully fear my NIPPLE OF DOOM. Yeah.
  • Current Music
    Kelly Clarkson - Stuff Like That There
OMG

Just say: "Er... I dunno... I think I might be busy... um.... er...."

Why can't I say 'no'? Or even 'stop'?
Tish mentioned that if I was bored by Exel Saga, all I had to do was say so.
Problem: I can't. Ever.
I don't know why. Something tells me to place the blame on being raised in a church and private Baptist school (well, the latter through third grade), where women are essentially property at worst, doormats at best. Be meek, be submissive, be quiet, let others have a turn. Don't raise your voice. Don't speak up.
But since my mother does not usually embody those traits, something else tells me I'm just stupid and not being assertive.
But I can't say "this is boring, can we do something else?" I can't even hint at it. I will not change the channel if someone else likes the show that's on, regardless of how stupid I think it is. I will lie to get out of phone conversations, but I do it so horribly that I'm pretty sure it's really transparent. If I do not lie, I will sit there and listen to them, sort of. I'll at least sit there. Stare at the wall, poke my sibling, sometimes I've begun to read a book; just inserting "mhmm." "oh!" and "I think you should talk to him/her" (which is the only advice I ever seem to give out. Everyone's problem lies in communication) until my mom, dad, brother, or sister needs the phone or I feel bored enough to lie and say that they do. Because I can't just say "I don't want to". Someone wants me to go somewhere? Odds are I will go. I may hate it with a firey passion, but I will go. Because I can't say "no" - they will ask why, and I'll be stuck with something lame like "I don't wanna". Which is apparently not a valid excuse when dealing with social teenagers.
When I worked at TAS, if one of the other cashiers wanted to close out their drawer early, could I please close last, I'd say 'of course'. One of my managers told me I was being 'too nice' to the other cashiers, who on Sundays would leave me up there alone and go to chat with the other employees. In that case I didn't mind - I liked my job, and I was proud of myself for being able to handle having no one else to help me.
I was also very thankful that I worked Thurs - Sunday, thus leaving me with almost no socialization time. Yay.
Problem is, the more I like a person, the harder it is to tell them 'no'. It'll always be mixed with a thousand apologies. Online, I will be grimacing and cringing as if I am afraid they will reach through my computer and slap me. In person, I can't say it if I can see them. Unless my mom gives me the "You are abandoning your family when they need you" look, I cannot say 'no' to Tish. Even then, I do the grimace thing. And feel guilty.

There are, however, times when I have no trouble saying it. If I have minimal or no respect for the person, I don't give a damn what their opinions are or if my actions piss them off. If I am hurt or angry (usually when I feel I've been too quiet too long) I lash out. I will be mean in those cases. If I am related to them, it's still difficult but gets easier the closer a relation they are (i.e. while I felt guilty not taking Nicole to concerts, I had no problem refusing. I cannot, however, seem to turn down my aunt or grandmother). This does not apply in scholastic situations, where I will have no problem saying so if I disagree with what I am being taught or told to do (See: Why Jenni Hated Multi-Media, sec. 1). I do have enough common sense to keep my mouth shut around teachers who neither have the mental capacity to comprehend what they are telling us to do, nor to realize that it teaches us nothing (See: Why Jenni Hated Multi-Media, sec.2).

I have now entirely lost my train of thought.

In Other News:
Because girls who don't look anorexic are UGLY! UGLY, UGLY, UGLY! I hate everyone.

In Other Other News:
Expand the List of People Whose Children I Want To Have by one DAVID DUCHOVNEY. Rowr. Someday I'll write out a full list. (Kevin's at the top of it at the moment for sending me that link. Oh yes, and I'm rather in love with him. That also helps greatly in affecting one's status on The List)
  • Current Music
    Beck - Sexx laws
OMG

(no subject)

Looks. Like. Jedi. Robe.
Now, to find a pattern and make my own, because dammit, I refuse to spend $200 on a glorified hooded bathrobe.
... wait. I have no sewing machine. My mother's sewing machine has been broken for years.
CURSES, foiled again.
Oh well. I don't need a Jedi Robe. It's too hot in Texas. My Big Black Jacket will suffice.

I can't stop playing...... oh dear...

I just realized no one knows the explaination to the icon I am using at the moment (the "Fear the Mole" one). Well, I won't give you one. It's from my junior year physics class.
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    monkeys!