Why can't I say 'no'? Or even 'stop'?
Tish mentioned that if I was bored by Exel Saga, all I had to do was say so.
Problem: I can't. Ever.
I don't know why. Something tells me to place the blame on being raised in a church and private Baptist school (well, the latter through third grade), where women are essentially property at worst, doormats at best. Be meek, be submissive, be quiet, let others have a turn. Don't raise your voice. Don't speak up.
But since my mother does not usually embody those traits, something else tells me I'm just stupid and not being assertive.
But I can't say "this is boring, can we do something else?" I can't even hint at it. I will not change the channel if someone else likes the show that's on, regardless of how stupid I think it is. I will lie to get out of phone conversations, but I do it so horribly that I'm pretty sure it's really transparent. If I do not lie, I will sit there and listen to them, sort of. I'll at least sit there. Stare at the wall, poke my sibling, sometimes I've begun to read a book; just inserting "mhmm." "oh!" and "I think you should talk to him/her" (which is the only advice I ever seem to give out. Everyone's problem lies in communication) until my mom, dad, brother, or sister needs the phone or I feel bored enough to lie and say that they do. Because I can't just say "I don't want to". Someone wants me to go somewhere? Odds are I will go. I may hate it with a firey passion, but I will go. Because I can't say "no" - they will ask why, and I'll be stuck with something lame like "I don't wanna". Which is apparently not a valid excuse when dealing with social teenagers.
When I worked at TAS, if one of the other cashiers wanted to close out their drawer early, could I please close last, I'd say 'of course'. One of my managers told me I was being 'too nice' to the other cashiers, who on Sundays would leave me up there alone and go to chat with the other employees. In that case I didn't mind - I liked my job, and I was proud of myself for being able to handle having no one else to help me.
I was also very thankful that I worked Thurs - Sunday, thus leaving me with almost no socialization time. Yay.
Problem is, the more I like a person, the harder it is to tell them 'no'. It'll always be mixed with a thousand apologies. Online, I will be grimacing and cringing as if I am afraid they will reach through my computer and slap me. In person, I can't say it if I can see them. Unless my mom gives me the "You are abandoning your family when they need you" look, I cannot say 'no' to Tish. Even then, I do the grimace thing. And feel guilty.
There are, however, times when I have no trouble saying it. If I have minimal or no respect for the person, I don't give a damn what their opinions are or if my actions piss them off. If I am hurt or angry (usually when I feel I've been too quiet too long) I lash out. I will be mean
in those cases. If I am related to them, it's still difficult but gets easier the closer a relation they are (i.e. while I felt guilty not taking Nicole to concerts, I had no problem refusing. I cannot, however, seem to turn down my aunt or grandmother). This does not apply in scholastic situations, where I will have no problem saying so if I disagree with what I am being taught or told to do (See: Why Jenni Hated Multi-Media, sec. 1). I do have enough common sense to keep my mouth shut around teachers who neither have the mental capacity to comprehend what they are telling us to do, nor to realize that it teaches us nothing (See: Why Jenni Hated Multi-Media, sec.2).
I have now entirely lost my train of thought.
In Other News:Because girls who don't look anorexic are UGLY! UGLY, UGLY, UGLY!
I hate everyone.
In Other Other News:Expand the List of People Whose Children I Want To Have by one DAVID DUCHOVNEY
. Rowr. Someday I'll write out a full list. (Kevin's at the top of it at the moment for sending me that link. Oh yes, and I'm rather in love with him. That also helps greatly in affecting one's status on The List)