October 7th, 2003


(no subject)

My mom visited this past weekend. She left me four week's dosage of Lexapro, because she is convinced that I am depressed, and made me promise to start taking them.
I do not want to keep my word.

Firstly, I hate being told that I cannot do something myself - and I hate showing signs of weakness. It deeply bothers me already that I have to take the glucophage, because on some stubborn level I believe that if I just try hard enough, I can convince my body to do what it needs to through sheer force of will. Admitting that I need drugs to function normally is like admitting to personal failure.

Secondly, I have no reason to believe that I am actually depressed. Moody, yes, but not necessarily depressed. And the majority of the moodiness can be attributed to hormone issues caused by the PCOS. My mother is a RN, but she does not know me and has not known me very well for years. The last time I saw a shrink of any sort, I was a small child (the appointment had been made because my parents wanted to know why I didn't have any friends. Results labeled me as normal). I see no real reason to consult anyone on this matter, as they would probably just tell me I was silly and stupid, and to get over it. Whatever 'it' is.

And in the event that it turns out I am depressed (it was hard to even type that, and I made a face while doing it. A very silly face. I shall post pictures later), we go back to item one - I want to fix it myself. I also feel that, while others I know who are depressed should take their medications and I will think no less of them for it, I do not deserve to have the easy way out. What applies to them does not apply to me.

In addition, I have no idea what the drug will even do to me. The site promises that I will "feel better" after about two weeks. What is "better"? Will the highs be higher, and the lows remain the same? Will the whole spiky line move up a notch? Will it even out? Will the image of myself that I am familiar with have to be altered or replaced? Will I even act like the same person?

Sit down, shut up, and take your pills like a good little girl.
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