The kids are back home (well, two out of the three teenagers. Alex is still out). The house is once more lousy with humans, and will probably remain so. Fortunately, they are humans that I won't have to bother to feed most of the time, since they are old enough and hopefully mature enough to operate the stove and microwave without setting themselves on fire.
I have two tests on Friday, neither of which I am looking forward to. Economics is going to be a right bitch and a half, since his quizzes are all over the map (I would do well on them except for the fact that not writing down EVERY SINGLE BLEEDING STEP of basic mathematics because I can do it in my head, thank you, is a crime punishable by lack of points given. Drives me absolutely nuts - both because even my math professor isn't so anal and because since I do it in my head, it does not actually occur to me that it is a seperate step and I need to write it down until I get my quiz back with a grade of 10/55). Math is... Math will be fine if I can just concentrate long enough and not switch numbers around. We're messing with matrices, and I have a tendency to jumble my numbers all over the place. Which means that one wrong number will fuck you up good.
I've been having random-stabby headaches for over a week now. I think it's sinuses or something, maybe due to the crazy weather. It's not normal sinus pressure, though, it's all over my head. Who knows. Maybe I'm just not drinking enough water. That's my answer to everything - drink a lot of water and get more sleep.
The dog is being CRAZY this week. She's a year old now, and I eagerly await the end of this next year, at which time she will come out of the 'puppy' stage of her life. She's adorable and can be so, so sweet, but she has more energy than my entire family combined (including Alex, the runner) and can and will destroy anything within five feet of the ground using only her teeth if left unsupervised for more than ten seconds.
I still don't know what I want to do and oh god do I ever loathe Business, I hate it and everything about it so much. So much. And I know, I know, I should be grateful that I've got the opportunity to go to college at all, and I should be putting a lot more effort into it than I am, and I am grateful, but that doesn't mean I hate it any less. I am grateful for dental care, but that doesn't mean I sing and tap-dance on my way into the dentist's office for drilling.
Shit, that reminds me - I haven't been to a dentist in something like three years. Between the mouthfuls of stomach acid wearing away at the enamel and the naturally way-too-close-together-shoulda-had-braces-gonna-have-cavities-no-matter-what teeth, my mouth is probably awful. I do not even want to think about it. I always feel like cavities are a sign of personal failure. Ditto for weight gain, pimples, stretch marks, body hair, bad hair, etc. etc. etc. Oddly enough, I'm fine with scars, but nothing else. My mother gets annoyed and says I do not put enough effort or pride into my appearance because I do not often dress up or wear makeup or even wear my hair down, but it is either what I do now, or constant, unending obsessing. It's already running on low volume in the back of my brain, all I have to do is switch it around to the front and you will have one of the most neurotic, appearances-obsessed human beings on the planet. All of the above relevant to myself only - I observe others, but their blemishes and extra pounds rarely register.
The constant stream of worrying and nitpicking at myself? That pretty much goes for everything. Appearance, school, artwork, etc. Sometimes I just want to sit back and let something take over because maybe it will drown out everything else and things won't be so bloody garbled all the time and maybe instead of my brain quietly freaking out over everything while my body does it's own thing going through the day, my brain and body can actually work together to freak out over one or two things. This will inevitably yeild results, but in the most self-destructive way possible. In addition, if I try to allow more than one or two things, it leads to meltdowns.
I am tired, and not making a lot of sense right now.