The Dark-Eyed Mistress of Sweet, Sweet Pain (jenni_the_odd) wrote,
The Dark-Eyed Mistress of Sweet, Sweet Pain
jenni_the_odd

And now, the 'other' post...

Every time I see any stage production, I wish I was a part of it.
I've always loved theater. All the children in my family act and sing (Emma only a bit; but hey, she's six. give her time) and for a time we used to put on our own productions - silly things, but nonetheless fun to do.
Growing up, I'd usually have the lead in church musicals. Back when our church had a music program to be proud of, the director was thrilled to have an entire family of us to employ on the stage. I adored being in front of people, I adored becoming someone else even for just short period of time. I lived for the spotlight, and I craved applause. As a child I studied the people around me, watching how they moved and behaved according to their mood, attempting to be able to mimic it. I loved acting and would have gladly done it all my life. In eighth grade I joined in at the last minute on the auditions for the high school musical the next year.
I never heard back from the director (Then a guy named Trammel, who was later fired for some inappropriate conduct concerning the cute little theater chicks), but one day after marching practice I saw him. He recognized me, told me not only had I gotten a part (which had since been taken by someone else since I'd never shown up for anything), but I had also gotten into the varsity theater class, with mostly seniors, a few juniors, and a very few underclassmen.
And no one had told me. So I had joined band.
Astounded, I attempted to get my schedule changed. This made everything different! I wanted to do theater, not band. But there was no use. My directors wouldn't let me drop out, and my mom wasn't too please with the thought of me staying after school every single day for either band or theater. So nothing.
Later in the year I auditioned for "The Secret Garden", which one of the seniors was directing as part of a project. I got a part. the play was never produced; apparently as the second semester progressed the senior got lazy and stopped caring. There went my second attempt.
It saddened me; I loved acting so much and I would have done almost anything for a chance to be in a production. Whenever I was on the stage itself, for whatever reason, I would always, if only for a second, stand at center stage, gazing out at the audience, trying to remember what it was like to be a performer again. I missed it.

But once I grew up a bit, I realized a few things.
I'm not good enough. I'm not a good enough actress. I try and try and I wish to god I was, but I'm not. I'm not a good enough singer. My voice is unpredictable, and I have next to no control over it. I often hit the right notes, but for the life of me I couldn't tell you how. I am quite near tone-deaf most of the time. I can tell if something sounds horribly wrong, but I couldn't tell you why. I love musicals, and I would want to do something of that nature, most likely. But I couldn't. And of course, I'm not pretty enough. It's not even being pretty - it's being thinner and smaller. I'm 5'11'' and I sure as hell ain't' no twig. No one would ever believe me as the 'beautiful heroine'. And given my need to be in the spotlight, I'm guessing that's the role I'd be after. I want to be Juliet. I want to be Maria. I want to be Evita. But no. Ain't gonna happen. Even if I were to lose enough weight, there's still the problem of my height (too... tall..) and my lack of coordination. If there are any dance sequences - particularly in a musical - I'm outta luck. It's as if I have two broken left feet, folks. Really, it's a wonder I can walk straight.

So yeah. Guess that's one more thing to shelve if I'm going to be realistic.

...
But if anyone ever hears of/writes a play with a fat, ugly heroine who can't sing, let me know when the auditions are, okay?
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