The Dark-Eyed Mistress of Sweet, Sweet Pain (jenni_the_odd) wrote,
The Dark-Eyed Mistress of Sweet, Sweet Pain
jenni_the_odd

*sigh*

ugh. had a conversation with Emily today at lunch... She apparently thinks I hate her. I informed her that I don't hate her; I don't really hate anyone. So she rephrased it: "Fine, you don't hate me, you just dislike me with a passion".... then she took that back, remembering I don't really feel anything with a passion. e_e;;

It's not that I hate Emily... it's more that I hate what I see when I look at her. Now that didn't make any sense, did it? *sigh*
Have you ever been in love with someone? Not just "I love them", but "I am in love with them"? There's a difference. Corny though it sounds, I love most people. But it takes a lot for me to be in love with someone. And I am in love with Michael. Unfortunately, there's an odd pattern of behavior concerning he, Emily,and myself. When things are going well between Michael and Emily, I rarely see or speak with him, either in real life or otherwise. When things are not going well, I seem to see him a lot. He and Emily are apparently on quite friendly terms nowadays, if all the hugging and the touching and the placing-of-arms-around-shoulders is any indicator, so I don't expect I'll be hearing much from him this year. After this year, maybe I won't ever see him again. I'm currently doing my best to pretend he doesn't exist. It's not easy. It's not even fucking working, but dammit, I can't just stand around and watch them. It hurts. It actually physically hurts. That's why it's called heartbreak; it really does feel like your heart is being broken. And every time I see her, she's a living, breathing reminder that the person I love most doesn't want me, doesn't need me, and never, ever will. Every time I see her, my heart breaks again. Every time I see them together being affectionate or cute, I feel like I'm going to be ill. But sad though it sounds, they were pretty much the only friends I had at school who I occasionally wanted to hang around with. Now the sight of either of them makes me want to cry. Dammit, I fucking hate crying. I thought I would, today, when Michael put his arm around her. But I didn't.
I can't ask them not to hug each other in front of me; that's not fair to them. It's good that they're happy. I just... can't be there to see it. That's all.

This is not good. I haven't eaten, done much of anything, or slept more than a few hours in several days... *sigh* and I don't feel like I want to, either. I don't want to do anything. Scratch that. I want to curl up in my bed and die.
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