The Dark-Eyed Mistress of Sweet, Sweet Pain (jenni_the_odd) wrote,
The Dark-Eyed Mistress of Sweet, Sweet Pain

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Lather, rinse, maim, repeat....

Do you ever feel like life is just repeating itself over and over? Like a broken record? Or maybe not so much life as a series of emotions, rapid-fire, so fast and so strong that you've cycled through it multiple times before you can stop long enough to see a pattern?

Michael... *sigh* we might as well not talk at all. I can map out our conversations in my head well enough that he doesn't even need to be there. I imagine he could probably do the same. Ouch.

Tish.... I don't know. I really don't know.

Greg... Dear god, I don't know. He confuses the living hell out of me and then turns around and makes so much sense it's like a slap in the face.

It used to be that I would write what I really thought. If it concerned others, I saw to it that they were informed.
Now I don't know what I think anymore. I don't even really know if I think anymore, or if I'm just running off auto pilot entirely and that's why this is suddenly throwing me so off-balance.

And the thoughts I do recognize, the patterns I can see, I cannot tell. I cannot explain them. My family members can see this journal. People who would be uncecessarily hurt can read it. People who do not need to bother themselves with it would. I do not want that.
This journal is the last remaining semblance of creativity I have. The private and protected posts are starting to outnumber the public ones. That cannot be a good sign.
My sketchbook is collecting dust. I am very, very glad I did not apply to any art schools. If I had gotten in somehow by the grace of god, it would have been very difficult to explain to my parents why I was writing a 'sorry, I will not be attending your university' letter to a place that had accepted me for my art - which, to their knowledge, is still a major part of my life. It still is, really, but it's hollow. Caving in. Will be gone soon.

College, if I go, will be a tremendous starting over for me. I changed midway through high school, which led to a set of several rather disagreeable situations. Where I am now makes a much better starting point than ending point.

Things to do this weekend:
  • Senior research. Job has been postponed until it is completed, say parents.
  • email Elfwood admins, ask for galleries to be deleted
  • write a 'ML is gone, go away' message of some sort on the main page (I will leave it up for a week or two before emailing the KS admins asking them to delete the account)
  • Find new meaning of life. Art is dead.
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