The Dark-Eyed Mistress of Sweet, Sweet Pain (jenni_the_odd) wrote,
The Dark-Eyed Mistress of Sweet, Sweet Pain

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Nicole thought I seemed 'freaked out' at graduation. I don't recall feeling 'freaked out'. Hell, I don't recall feeling much of anything. My overall response to the thought that a major chapter in my life is ending has basically consisted of:
" 'kay. Next!"

So yeah. For the most part, it seemed a huge waste of three hours. I watched the crowd responses and I watched the people around me, as always, but there was nothing special going on. Truth be told, I was disappointed. I'd rather been hoping to feel sad to be leaving all the people I know, or happy that high school is over, or scared, or something, anything.
I did, however, reach the conclusion that I've been a mere observer in my life for several years now. Most definitely since high school began, probably a year or two before that. I watch myself, I monitor my own actions, but none of what goes on touches me or affects me. And when it does, it REALLY REALLY does (falling in love, someone close to me gets hurt, etc. that sort of thing). So it's a rare thing, which is probably for the better, because I take everything too fucking seriously (it comes from my reading of way too many melodramatic teen-angst-type novels when I was about seven, which doubtless warped my mind beyond all belief) if I don't. So I watch, and people move about me like characters in some demented play. Sometimes I am the annoying one in the audience, shouting advice at the screen "Don't go in there!". I plot their moves like a chess game, mentally keeping score of how often I am right and how often they do something I'd not expected, which means I must study them more closely. Sometimes I manage to prod my playing piece on the board into a position I prefer, sometimes I let her be. She does things I don't understand and I really don't want to understand, most of the time. It amuses me, and so I do nothing to stop her; I doubt she'd listen anyway.

... I'm going to stop typing creepy shit now and go back to writing thank-you notes...

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