The Dark-Eyed Mistress of Sweet, Sweet Pain (jenni_the_odd) wrote,
The Dark-Eyed Mistress of Sweet, Sweet Pain

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Hmmm. Yesterday was interesting. Emily must have called me about five times. I wanted to hang up on her, but somehow, I couldn't. I don't like hanging up on people.
She once accused me of being happy she and Michael were having one of their (many) fights (over nothing). Somehow, she figured that if he wasn't with her, he would automatically go to me...
*ERRRRRRRK*, wrong answer.
But even so, it has sometimes felt like a competition. Me vs. Emily, winner-take-all. Namely, winner-take-Michael.
Let's compare the competitors, shall we?

(Note: Michael claims he doesn't care about a girl's looks, but he can't defeat genetics on this one. Looks DO matter.)
Emily - While not what some people think of as pretty, she can be really beautiful if she puts some effort into her appearance. She's got a natural femininity and elegance that most people lack. She's got a nice figure, and she usually dresses well enough to show it off somewhat. She's very fragile - the slightest thing will give her a headache or bruise her. She also seems to get ill on a near-daily basis, and it's a wonder she hasn't lost credit for missing so much of school. I suspect slight hypochondria. I'm not saying ALL her illnesses are fake, but my mother (a trained and registered nurse) agrees with me that most of her health problems are probably in her head.
Me - Allrighty. Y'know how I said most people lack her elegance? I would be one of 'em. Graceful I'm not. And I'm not pretty, beautiful, cute, etc. by any stretch of the imagination. If I were to lose some weight (read: a LOT), I could pull off 'plain', but I doubt I could ever do better than that. I dress in.. well... it varies. Lots of black. I like fishnet. And I love my big 'ol jackets. (my mother hates them because they're several sizes too big for me; I like ot hide in them but she keeps telling me they make me look fat. News flash, mom, I AM fat... 9_9) Mostly, I dress for functionality and comfort. I will NOT wear pretty shoes if they pinch my toes. I will not even consider buying them. I will never wear an uncomfortable or annoying dress, no matter how flattering it might be.

Emily - She has her moments. From what I've seen, she is rather intelligent, but more often than not in public, she seems to prefer acting like a ditzy bimbo. e_e She studies pretty hard, but I'm not too certain of her grades in school. As for common sense, hers seems to be more than a bit warped, but we shall discuss this further in Personality...
Me - I've been told I'm smart, but I've seen little evidence of it, particularly this past year. Math seems to go in one ear and out the other, the same for physics and all other sciences. I can do most simple math (multiplication/division/percentages/addition/subtraction) in my head without any trouble, but once it ceases to perform any function that I think I might someday use (i.e., logs and such) I no longer retain the information. I'm able to quote paragraphs from things I've read years and years ago. I read roughly twice as fast as most people I know, and normally I have about 98% accurate reading comprehension. This past year, I somehow managed to read the same book three times without being able to remember a blasted word. e_O I do well on standardized tests, though. My mother's hoping that will help me get into a decent college. I have fairly good common sense most of the time, sometimes I can be logical to the point of frustration both for myself and others. I do have instances where I act like an idiot, though. @_@

Emily* - Oh boy. Where do I start? Emily's point of view is rather... warped, I think, is the best term for it. She has a fixed idea of the world and refuses to change it. When things don't go her way, she refuses to acknowledge it, or dismisses it as unimportant. She seems to enjoy being the center of attention, often loudly and publicly referring to her eating disorders. On that note, according to her, she has been anorexic and/or bulimic for a long time. Frankly, I doubt it. She didn't show any of the visible or audible symptoms of bulimia last time I saw her, at which time she stated that she had been so for several months. As for the anorexia... I have seen her eat. Not especially large quantities of food, but certainly not little enough that she would starve to death. And if either of the disorders were present, one would think she'd have lost a noticeable amount of weight by now (about three months, by her account). She looked the same as she always does.
She loves to flirt. At school, she's often talking with her arm(s) around a guy, or sitting on his lap, etc. Due to this, many people have developed certain opinions of her. One of her nicknames was "the band whore", "band slut", etc. Towards the end of this past year, with some coaxing from Michal, she attempted to change her image slightly and more often addressed herself as the band "flirt". It didn't really take.
She is extremely tempermental and likely to change her mind about anything with little or no warning. She gets into screaming matches over quite literally nothing, once refusing to talk to me for three weeks because I made her think about the fact that she was angry at Michael. e_O I still don't know what logic she followed to reach that decision.
*It should be noticed that this is only my opinion, I am not a psychiatrist, and I do not know Emily very well. This is based on what I DO know.
Me - Well, let's see. I've been told I'm nice, sweet, etc. Michael once referred to me as "a good soul". One of my managers at work tell me (with some indignation) that I'm too nice, and I let other people walk all over me. I suppose I do, but only for little things that don't matter. Like which casheir at work gets to go home first, me or the other girl. She has stuff to do, let her go. I can use the extra hour of pay anyway. But when it comes to bigger things, important things... Then I put my foot down. I will not go along with something I don't believe in. I can be stubborn and I utterly loathe doing anything that lacks purpose. I tend to look at things logically, as mentioned above, and I can usually manage to put whatever feelings I have aside long enough to see what should be done in a perfect world. Unfortunately, emotions really fuck things up. After that, I have little clue. People used to come to me for advice (back when people still spoke to me... 9_9) and I've been referred to as a "best friend" by no less than a dozen of those GT-preppy girls who I've not spoken to in years. I've been told that some people look up to me, one girl I know recently wrote me a letter (she actually WROTE the thing... on paper.. she was bored, methinks) telling me she admired me and was grateful I was her friend.
I'm by no means sugar and spice and everything nice. When someone I love or care about or support is insulted, I can be vicious. You don't want to know how many times I've told off former friends, classmates, and Emily in my head. I've imagined a thousand scenarios where I would get to tell them exactly what I think of them and where they can stick their attitude, but I've never really done it. Sometimes I wish I had.
I can be truthful to the point where I almost sacrifice tact. If I'm angry at someone I do sacrifice tact, and will tell them what I think regardless of the effect it may have on them. I don't like to waste time pouting and brooding over insults implied or real, I will state right out that I didn't like it and ask for an explaination. If my behavior was at fault, I will apologize and attempt to change. If not, I will ask what on earth prompted the abuse.
I get along well with people no one else does. My loose social circles (i.e., people I will not try to maim if I am locked in a room with them for several hours) covers a large portion of the school. Some people don't get along with the girl who wrote me the letter. I don't know if I look at people differently or if I just have a high tolerance for annoying or weird behavior, but she doesn't bother me under normal circumstances. Some people don't like Michael; they think he's weird. I love him. 'nuff said. Many people don't get along well with Emily. I somehow mangaged to do so until she started messing with Michael. Now I tolerate her, but if I can, I avoid her.
I try to avoid being a 'girl' - that is, the annoying parts of it. Not much I can do about my period and such, but I do try to analyze my mood swings and warn the poor unfortunate people who take the brunt of them. I do my best to keep from being catty and petty and whiny, though I don't think I succeed half so often as I'd like. I promised Michael I'd never get mad at him for no reason, nor will I use that annoying "If you don't know why I'm pissed, I'm certainly not going to tell you!"; and I will do my absolute damndest to keep that promise. I HATE it when girls do that. For some reason, guys are a lot better about being honest like that.

Mental State
Emily - the girl's a mess. From what I can tell, she's seen a psychiatrist to help her deal with a tough family life. I think I saw a scar on her wrist once, but I'm not sure it was an attempt at suicide. Probably wouldn't have worked anyway - was the wrong way (across the wrist instead of lengthwise from wrist to elbow) and she would know that. She's had days where she's depressed. Hell, she's had HOURS where she's depressed, then she shows up sickeningly peppy. I think that scares me more than anything else. e_O;; She tells me that the Emily I know, the one at school, isn't really her. I ask her why that is, and she just sighs and says she doesn't know, or she changes the subject, or she gets mad at me for asking.
Me - I'm guilty of the same mood swings as Emily, sometimes more drastic in nature. The main difference is that when I feel depressed, I get really quiet. She tends to become angry and irritable. I will stare someone down before I answer something (this has frightened more than one freshman...). There are times when I just don't care anymore; when I want it all to go away. I have cut myself, usualy to get some blood for pictures. Sometimes, though, I just watch the blade go over my skin and wonder how much pressure it'll take before it breaks. Then there it is - a thin trail of blood. I usually stop myself before it gets too messy, though. One day at school I just kept scratching at my arm for an hour. The next day it was all scratched up and scabbing from where I'd ripped the skin off with my nails without realizing it. I told my mom I'd fallen on the stairs and scraped my arm. During the times when I just don't care anymore, I don't want to do anything. Schoolwork, artwork, writing - all of it ceases to matter. It's a major reason why I failed English. (that, and I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm secretly an idiot) These times can last anywhere from an hour to two months. I can sometimes force a smile long enough for school and work. Not always, though.
I hate poetry. I hate reading it, and I hate being told to write it. Yet somehow, it appears when I let my fingers move over the keyboard. Someone once described it as writing more with emotions than words, and maybe that's why I don't like it. It's too personal. Reading someone's work is like getting way too close to someone I don't know well. Most of my work involves death in some form. There was one where the narrator called a dead lover's number just to hear their voice again. Many deal with suicide. Some ask the reader to "thank the reaper, he brings peace". And there are some that are angry poems, a bitter narrator speaking to an old lover or former friend, or would-be lover. These make me wonder, because sometimes I have an urge to read them to Michael. Being in love, specifically, unrequited love, is compared to a nightmare in one that I still like (a rarity, I usually dislike my work). Another (more bitter) poem asks if, now that a former lover has found a prettier, better mate, "doesn't it feel like you're fucking a Barbie doll?". I think it's probably pent-up jealousy and anger over the whole situation. Either that or my mind is far beyond warped. e_O;;

Feelings Toward Michael
Emily - This is where I start getting pissed off. This is a part of a phone conversation:
Me: "So, how do you feel about him now?"
Em: "I love him, but-"
Me: "No, Emily. There is no 'but'. If you really love him, there's not gonna be a 'but'."
Em: *sigh* "You don't understand..."
Me: "Then you're gonna have to tell me."
Em: "I love who he is, but he's not like that all the time."
Me: "Again, I'm sorry, but you're going to have to explain that. I love him. All facets of his personality. Mabe that's why I don't understand."
She then went on to completely fail to explain why or what I didn't understand. e_e;;
She's said many things about Michael over time, mostly insulting his looks (in public and in private), and complaining that he's not what she needs in a man. Then she'll turn around and admit that yes, he is sweet, and yes, he is quite lovable. She can never seem to make up her mind.
Me - I love him. As I said before, all of him. I've known him for a long time (almost seven or eight years, I think,) and I've always felt something towards him. The first time I met him, I thought there was something interesting about him. Since then, as I've gotten to know him, I've grown to love him. Maybe I always will. Crushes usually go away after a few years. This hasn't.
I'll do anything for him. When he and Emily first got together, it broke my heart. I cried almost every day - and I HATE crying. I really, really hate it. But even though it hurt to see him with her; hurt to know that what he felt for her, he would never feel for me, if he was happy, then I could deal with it. But when Emily started treating him like dirt in public, I got pissed off. As long as he was happy I could take it, but when she had the nerve to treat him like that.... There are times when I should have slapped her face, and I'm very, very sorry I didn't.

Michael's Feelings Toward Us
Emily - At one point, he loved her. He's since grown rather angry with her, to the point where he seems sullen and upset when her name is mentioned. I don't know the full extent of his feelings for her now, but I hope fo rfind out eventually.
Me - As far as I know, I've never been more than a friend. *sigh* dammit.

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