All the stuff we expect you to know without our telling you.
1. Saying "I love you" before, during or after sex doesn't count.
Okay, I'll half-concede this one. It only counts if "I love you" has also been said previously in a nonsexual setting.
2. When we ask you how we look, "fine" is not an appropriate answer.
(a)I do not ask people how I look. I can find a mirror if I really need to know. (b)In the event that I do ask, it will be more specific - "does this skirt look weird with this top", "should I do something else with my hair", etc. And I will probably not ask a guy who has formerly shown little to no interest in my dressing habits. I am much more likely to ask Nicole.
3. We obsess over whether you'll call from the moment we give you our number.
... I don't give out my phone number. There's never any need.
4. We fantasize. But it's usually about you.
... and Jake Gyllenhaal. What? WHAT? Actually, no. Can't say I really fantasize about celebrities. I just think they're pretty to look at.
5. We love it when you email us at work.
I forget to check my email quite a bit. I've been known to go for weeks at a time without logging onto ol' Yahoo. I prefer IMs to emails.
6. No matter how cool we seem about it, if you did something bad, we're pissed off.
If I am pissed off, you will know it. Most likely because I will say "I am pissed off." It might take me a while to figure out what pissed me off and/or why, but as soon as I know, you will too. Most of the time I will be able to talk myself out of being angry.
7. Don't patronize us by asking if our bad mood is because of PMS.
If I have PMS, you will know because I will be so fucking moody that I will tell you to get the hell away for your own good. I am NOT a pretty sight on any sort of mood swing.
8. Don't ever tell us what to do, even when we ask you to.
... WTF. If I ask you what to do, odds are (unless you are teaching me how to perform some task) I am asking for advice rather than orders and will word it as "what do you think" or something similar, indicating that while I will listen to and process what you say, I do not feel obligated to do it.
9. We will leave you if you lie to us.
No, we won't. I will, but in general women are stupid, stupid creatures and will stick around and give you second, third, innumerable chances for as long as you feel like lying. It's when you start telling the truth ('yes, you're fat', 'I slept with your sister' 'all my friends think you're a psycho-hosebeast') that most women finally pack up and leave. I will tell you the truth (because the guilt will eat away at my soul if I don't and because I am a lousy liar), and I expect you to do the same.
10. We're unimpressed by men who don't take the lead. Be a man, dammit!
You can feel free to take the lead in your own life, but leave mine alone. There's no need for you to take control of my life or try to immerse yourself in every aspect of it - those are actually pretty clear warning signs that you might just be a control freak who I am not willing to deal with. Were I seeking a relationship, I'd be looking for an equal partner, not a master or a conjoined twin.
11. We love when you hold our hands.
Ewww, cooties. Not big on PDAs, m'self, and having someone always touching me annoys me. I'm plenty physically affectionate when I'm alone with someone, when I feel threatened, or when I need comforting. But watching other people be mushy and lovey-dovey in public squicks me a bit, and I don't want to do the same.
12. We need to hear how you feel about us. Tell us right now. And again in ten minutes.
Every now and then at random is fine. And if you don't say it outright, your actions will say it - little things you might not even notice can very easily show that you're thinking of me, that you trust me, respect my opinion, etc.
13. We want to be the best thing that ever happened to you -- and for you to know it.
It would be nice, but I don't expect it.
14. If we don't feel loved, we'll start looking elsewhere.
Yeah, pretty much. Though I think I would indeed have the decency to try to talk to you first and figure out what's going on - whether you're not sending out any signals or I'm just not receiving them.
15. Don't talk about your ex. Ever.
Go ahead. Constant comparisons aren't good, random anecdotes are cool.
16. We like porn, too.
If by 'like', you mean 'laugh at'. I'm not really into porn except as amusement, but I don't begrudge you your HOT CHIXXX..
17. We remember everything about our relationships. Yes, everything.
I will forget your name at least twice a month. This is because my brain hates me, not because I do not think about you.
18. We let you fix things.
I will make you teach me how to fix things.
19. You're sexiest when you're: sweating, driving, shaving, or holding a baby.
... No. Sweating can be sexy, but it depends on the reason. Houston summers: not sexy. Running around/playing: sexy. Driving... what? Is this some sort of fetish I don't know about? I don't think shaving is very sexy, either. I've seen guys look very cute and sweet when holding a baby, but not sexy. I will think you are sexy when you are busy geeking out at whatever geekery you choose. You are sexy when you make me laugh or decide to sacrifice your dignity for a cheap sight gag.
20. We've faked it.
But I won't. even if it bruises your widdle ego.
21. Groping and foreplay are not the same thing.
But both are fun!
22. While we're on the subject: more foreplay!
Hrm. Depends on my mood.
23. If we're not having sex it's because: we feel fat; we don't feel very close to you, or we are punishing you for not doing something our way.
No sex as a punishment? Yeesh. Do I get to roll up a newspaper and bop you on the nose with it, too? Reasons for no-touchy include: Feeling fat, being very tired, being distracted, being ill.
24. We're afraid to meet your mother.
I'm afraid of meeting most people.
25. We think you should have already known all this stuff.
Do not. You're not psychic. It's okay, girls scare me, too.
Lists like that frighten me. I just love how the stereotypical girl is a lying, manipulative, neurotic mess.