The Dark-Eyed Mistress of Sweet, Sweet Pain (jenni_the_odd) wrote,
The Dark-Eyed Mistress of Sweet, Sweet Pain
jenni_the_odd

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just thinking...

I was just thinking, today..
how much easier life would be if I never loved Michael.
I mean, think about it. It would have changed so much... Emily mentioned how life would get easier for everyone if he would just get over her and go out with me... I noted his issues with casual dating. She agreed. Then mentioned something about being more willing to date her dog than Michael, which made me want to slap her, but nevermind... *grr* But I also wondered if maybe it wouldn't have been easier if I had never fallen in love with him. Not like I can control it at will. God knows I wish I could just suddenly decide that I don't love Michael, and poof! it happens. But it doesn't work like that; I do love him, and I hate myself for almost wanting not to.
If I was never in love with Michael...
I wouldn't have talked to him half so much in middle school. I didn't really love him yet back then... I just liked him a LOT... *chuckles* He was my only friend for a long while. He didn't really talk to me at school if he could avoid it, but he was all I had, and I think I would have been a lot more unhappy without him. I also wouldn't have written half so much...
I might have just drifted away from Emily and Liz and that lot without ever really getting to know them or becoming entangled in the web that is their social situations. I'm still trying to decide if that would have been a good or bad thing.
I probably wouldn't have gotten so depressed last year. Might not have tried to kill myself... more than likely wouldn't have failed English, then wouldn't have gone to summer school and wouldn't have met Kelsey... so I suppose in a way that's a good thing.
I'd.... I dunno. Cybergenesis 3 probably never would have happened. I'd be lacking a lot in many of my stories...
I'd be very very alone. I'd have no Michael, no Kelsey... and those are the main people I talk to...
*sigh*
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