*Sass Radius: The distance around a person in which they are able to smack nearby family members who sass them. The Sass radius can be increased through use of a cane, broom, large stick, or, in some cases, anything small enough to throw.
**The unwritten law of plus size fashion is that the ratio of "oooh!" to "OH SWEET JESUS WHY" must be at least 1:3. Zaftique seems to get away with breaking this law. I do not know how.