The Dark-Eyed Mistress of Sweet, Sweet Pain (jenni_the_odd) wrote,
The Dark-Eyed Mistress of Sweet, Sweet Pain

Let's talk about sex on Glee, let's talk about you and me, let's talk about

... how painfully awkward this episode will be!

The preview image for this episode on Hulu is Gwyneth Paltrow holding a condom. I foresee trouble. Also, hilarity. Sexxxxxxxy.

  • HAH the celibacy club. Good to know it still exists, I guess?
  • "Hosemonster." Oh god. Oh dear god. Emma. Can't breathe. Laughing too hard.
  • Come on, Emma. It's been made pretty clear that you are not asexual, just terrified. If you can't sleep with Uncle Jesse even after you're married... Man. I'm sorry. :(
  • Oh, Quinn. You are the only person in that room who does not have Major Issues with sex that present in a horrifically neurotic way. Though previous episodes indicate you are a bit wary of relationships and the physical intimacy that accompanies them, which is understandable.
  • "I did until I realized they were wearing the chastity charms as clip-on nipple rings." Wha... how?
  • Y'all, I kind of like Holly less and less every time the camera finds her. Something about her speaking voice irritates the hell out of me (doubly so when she speaks Spanish).
  • Also not loving her still-inappropriate length of skirt.
  • "Cucumbers can give you AIDS?" Okay, I can almost see Finn being that stupid. But Mercedes? Really? She gets, like, one and a half lines in this episode, and that's what they're about.
  • Not gonna lie, it'd be nice if they presented someone choosing celibacy not because they're terrified of sex, furiously diverting their attention away from a failed relationship, or somewhat traumatized from a previous pregnancy, but just because they aren't ready or haven't met the right person yet. You know, for real. As opposed to clearly grasping those as excuses to cover their issues.
  • Hahaha, Sweet Valley High.
  • Okay, does Brittany even know what "A bun in the oven" means? Is there any way this could be literal?
  • "You're secret's safe with--OH MY GOD BRITTANY'S PREGNANT."
  • Oh god, Artie's face.
  • Stork. Of course.
  • Oh god, Jazzercize. D:
  • I have actually read that cookbook! Someone gave it to me as a present. I was uninterested; I am plenty good at feeding people vegetables without having to bother pureeing them first.
  • Okay, sorry, Jazzercize? Not that sexy. Maybe it's all the spandex. It is the devilfabric. Or the perkiness. Or maybe Holly's just too bony for my tastes.
  • "That's a waste of some fine man-butt." HAH. Point to Holly, just for the stunned look on Will's face. And because I would totally say something like that. Come to think of it, I have.
  • The endless snickering is completely and totally realistic here.
  • "Just like hugging, only wetter." D:
  • Will, stop adding sound effects.
  • I like Quinn's hair. Just putting that out there.
  • Mike looks so confused and a little scared. Aww.
  • "I am so turned on right now." Puck, hush.
  • "Well, I admire you. Although I think you're naive and possibly frigid, I do admire your choice." See, again with the not respecting personal choices unless they're the ones you want them to make. I think abstinence-only education is not only ineffective but actively dangerous, but that doesn't mean abstinence should be treated like something only employed by people who are anti-sex. Telling kids that if they don't have sex there is something wrong with them is damaging, just like telling them that there's something wrong with them if they do.
  • By the end of this song, everyone in the glee club will be pregnant. Everyone. Even the dudes.
  • ...
  • Sorry, I was distracted by Naya Rivera's magnificent rack. As was every human being watching this episode, regardless of orientation.
  • Oh god this is so inappropriate, even by Glee standards. Also, convenient that today was the day nearly everyone wore a jacket.
  • Sam's pelvic thrust there startled and somewhat frightened me. Dear lord, boy.
  • Hee, Will's little sign.
  • "And everybody's got a random." Holly, Finn had sex with Santana, who, it has been explicitly stated, has a policy of never saying 'no', and who has also had sex with Brittany (though the show seems to have downgraded that to "ladykisses", boo), who has had sex with a hell of a lot of people herself. If you make him try to comprehend how many people that links him to sexually, his tiny brain will explode and they will have to get Jacob Ben Israel to stand in at Regionals. Don't do that to us. He's creepy.
  • Sue remembers that Kurt preferred the nickname "Porcelain." Continuity watchers, drink!
  • "I like my enemas piping hot." Wh... what.
  • "This is just sort of how she talks." HAH.
  • She's just dumping random things in that cup. Is... is there even any coffee in there?
  • Any plotline that results in Harry Frikkin' Potter singing all sexy is a plotline that has my complete approval.
  • Beiste giggling at "nail her to the wall" delights me.
  • "You're finally gonna let me motorboat those twins?" Haha, her lifting his chin up.
  • "If this is going where I think it's going, I may need to sit down." <3
  • Lauren has an elaborate life plan. I love Lauren.
  • "I'm getting a little lightheaded." Hee. I do kind of love that Puck, who has had plenty of sex, is near-overwhelmed by the prospect of sex with Lauren.
  • "Wow. If your lovemaking prowess is as impressive as your skills of deduction, I am in for a wild night." Hee.
  • Harry Frikkin' Potter, you may or may not realize that they are kind of into you before you even open your mouth.
  • Kurt gets to sing opposite Blaine? I like this plan. The autotune, not as much.
  • Kurt's dancing, however, I can do without. Especially those faces oh god what is that, I can't stop laughing. Seriously. LOLing over here. Oh god, Chris Colfer is a comedic genius.
  • Was that a Flashdance reference there in the dancing? Hee.
  • Yes, boys, let's shoot a giant mess of white stuff allllll over the assembled masses below. Oh, let's do.
  • Dalton's dry-cleaning bills following this bit are going to be horrific.
  • "Sweet, but... not your team." Those girls totally just lost a bet to their friends.
  • HAH, Blaine picked up on the weird faces, too.
  • Uh, Brit-Brit... does Artie know about these makeout sessions? Because regardless of what Santana told you, I'm pretty sure that IS cheating. And the whole "doesn't count if it's a girl" thing is really awful; it hinges on the idea that a same-sex relationship isn't as valid as a hetero one.
  • "Breakfast is confusing for you." IT IS A TRICKY MEAL, OKAY? SHUT UP SANTANA.
  • Haha, Puck and Lauren critiquing the production values of a sex tape. Though really, who is dumb enough to try watching a sex tape at school? Kids these days.
  • "My sex tape with J.D. Salinger was a disaster." Whut. You guys, Holly is a nice Sue. No less crazy. Just less mean. For reals.
  • I wish all the issues in my life could be worked out in song.
  • Where are they? I see Pavarotti the canary. Kurt asks Blaine to leave, so maybe in Kurt's new room?
  • "And why would you get that tattoo there!" Hee.
  • "I'll tell you what I know." So many fanfics start this way. SO MANY. And I am mentally writing ALL OF THEM.
  • "The touch of a fingertip is as sexy as it gets." Um. Clearly, Kurt has not been paying all that much attention to a lot of musicals.
  • "That's awesome. And ridiculous." And that, in four words, summarizes Glee.
  • Oh god, this is going to be a song sung by Will in falsetto. Not loving it. ADORING the choreography and costumes, though.
  • Okay, he's not doing the whole thing in falsetto, thank god. This strikes me as more a Puck song, really. Granted, he's a one-woman man these days (he'd better be, or Lauren will end him), but it suits him. Not sure how well he does falsetto, though.
  • Aaaand the facesucking begins.
  • "I think I can handle it." "You married your high school sweetheart, and then you went out with a virgin." She has a point. Wait a minute. Has Will ever had sex with anyone but his ex-wife? I know he made out with Rachel's Mom (can't remember her character name, whenever I think of her I start squeeing "IDINA MENZEL" and lose my traight of--IDINA MENZEL EEEEE), but I thought that was as far as it went.
  • This is a test, Blaine! Don't fail!
  • "Is he okay?" I love that Burt's first response is protective. Best dad ever. <3
  • "He puts his fingers in his ears and starts singing." HAH. Quite literally, I'm sure.
  • Harry Potter, this is the most awkard conversation to possibly have with your friend's dad. And it is kind of annoying that the writers had to shoehorn the "most schools don't have sex ed and HEY PARENTS THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD HAVE THE TALK WITH YOUR KID REGARDLESS OF SEXUALITY" bit in by making Blaine really clearly overstep a number of boundaries. I mean, aside from surprising him the morning after the Rachel Berry Alcohostravaganza, has Blaine even MET or ever interacted with Burt?
  • Hee, this song. And their clothes! Perfect. They also appear less makeup-ey, which is a good look on both of them; Heather Morris and Naya Rivera are both naturally absolutely stunning.
  • zOMG you guys, Santana... having feelings AND dressed modestly? What is this, I don't even.
  • You know, ultimately, as much as I do love Artie/Brittany, Santana/Brittany is just so damn sweet and I really do love that pairing better. Brittany humanizes Santana in a way that no other character does; the only times we ever see her be vulnerable in any way are with Brittany.
  • "I wish you and I were that close." So do oh-so-many shippers, Sam. So many.
  • "Tensies for menses." HAH.
  • Why are there pictures of dessert everywhere? I'm confused.
  • What the fuck are they wearing dear god.
  • No one told them what this song is about, did they.
  • Hahahha, Artie's face.
  • Will and Holly cannot help giggling at this, and I do not blame them.
  • Oh, Emma. Sweet, unnaturally pure Emma.
  • Oh god, Emma and Uncle Jesse are going to talk to Holly about their bedroom funtimes (or, I'm assuming, the lack thereof). Horror lies ahead, folks. HORROR.
  • "LA LA LA LA LA" HEEE. Oh god, Kurt's horrified fearface. <3
  • "I think on your 30th birthday, it is a great gift to yourself." HEE. I love Burt so much. He is the best dad.
  • Chris Colfer is doing a very good job of looking sweet and vulnerable here, while at the same time so embarrassed it is causing him actual physical pain to have this conversation. Glee goes for the cheap laugh as often as not; it's easy to forget how good a fair number of the actors are. Every scene with Mike O'Malley and Chris Colfer, though, is amazing. They work so well together. Still my favorite TV family.
  • Is this what The Talk is generally like? I never got one; my mom handed me a book (by James Dobson, of all people).
  • "Girlfriend, what is up with that?" Okay, I'm putting a moratorium on people addressing each other as "girlfriend" in this series.
  • Oh god, the giggling. In all fairness, if you poke me in the ribs, I do the same thing.
  • I like to think the "I will NOT laugh during sex education class" on all the boards was written by Holly. Because she was laughing.
  • Oh, Emma, no. Uncle Jesse is awesome and Shue is a dick. Don't you do this. UNCLE JESSE NOOOOOO. ;____________;
  • "Nnnnot a doctor!" "A real doctor would never have said that."
  • Oh my god, we're getting a real heartfelt confession from Santana.
  • "I can't go to an Indigo Girls concert. I just can't." Hah.
  • Awww, Santana. Naya Rivera is wonderful here. Heather Morris is awfully sweet, too, and this is probably the longest and most reasonable stretch of dialogue Brittany's ever had.
  • And of course, Santana has no feelings for any guy, at all, whatsoever and never has. Because bisexuality doesn't exist.
  • Ouch. Brittany doesn't mean to be hurtful, but it's never really comforting to hear that you're someone's backup plan.
  • Lauren's hair looks really pretty.
  • What lady doesn't love having the romantic attention paid to her by her suitor compared to taking a shit?
  • Puck looks like he's really afraid of that punch. And Lauren, while I approve of the whole badass thing, threatening to punch your significant other is NEVER okay.
  • "Nerd" is totally Lauren's new pet name for Puck.
  • "The key is to use the curling iron in the bathtub to keep you from getting burnt." "... No."
  • So... did Quinn and Finn finally have sex? I am guessing this will be the dramabomb that sets Rachel off on her required Competition Crazy in a week.
  • So, Regionals is in a week. And in keeping with New Directions' tradition, they will learn the songs they will perform in under seven days.
  • Hahahaha, making the dances Finn-proof.
  • Veggie Tales... HAHAHAHHAHA OH GOD.
  • Could this dialogue get any cheesier? Come on, I love cheesy lines, but this is too much. "I know a lot about sex, Will, but maybe it's time I learned a little something about romance."
  • Will... Ew. Just... ew. Oh god, we're going out on that line? No, show, no. Ewwww.
  • Sigh. Once more, Glee cheerfuly denies that bisexuality exists unless you're Brittany, in which case it might just be that you're too dumb to make up your mind/too nice to hurt someone's feelings. Show, one of your biggest selling points is inclusiveness. Why the hate-on for bi folks? Ryan Murphy, did a nice young man once leave you for a woman? Is that it?
  • Did a pack of roving bisexuals raze your village to the ground, leaving only one survivor to warn the neighboring towns? Were you that survivor, Ryan Murphy? No? THEN GET IT THE FUCK TOGETHER AND STOP ACTING LIKE BISEXUALITY IS A MYTH.

    This entry was originally posted at You can comment here or there; it matters only that you comment PLEASE I NEED THE ATTENTION OH GOD PLEASE LOVE ME *SOB*.
  • Tags: glee

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