The Dark-Eyed Mistress of Sweet, Sweet Pain (jenni_the_odd) wrote,
The Dark-Eyed Mistress of Sweet, Sweet Pain

Discussing astrology with DLo and Matthew, I stumbled across this site. Of course, we all ran our free reports. This is mine.

I cut out the explanations of what each sign/house/whatever means. My comments are in italics.

Sun in Gemini
You are the go-between of the universe. You love to investigate, communicate, and make connections. You are happiest when caught up in the variety and complexity of life, moving around and gathering all the multiple options at your disposal. Gemini energy is mobile and changeable, very restless and questioning. You do your best work by allowing yourself to spread the attention, doing more than one thing at a time, linking observations and ideas to form relationships. You intuitively know the kind of language that is appropriate and lend the right approach to any situation. Gemini is concerned with connections, communication and logic - words, thoughts, writing and rational mental processes in general. It is also concerned with making comparisons, 'twins' and duplications of all kinds. Gemini is the communicator, the gossip of the zodiac and the collector of trivia. Gemini energy is unattached, independent, very inquisitive and changeable.
"You have ADD and you never shut up."

Sun Sextile Moon
Able to grow and progress throughout life without major emotional difficulties. Yin (male) and yang (female) energy flows easily. Resources are at hand, as are the necessary instruction on how to use them. There is an inner sincerity and naturalness that does not resist life, but looks for the truth of life as it is. A special gift for spanning generation gaps; bringing older and younger spirits together. Easily gains the respect of others.
"You either rob the cradle or the grave, because no one your age can actually stand you."

Sun Conjunct Venus
Gentle charm and personal magnetism. There is a natural sense of discrimination and beauty which excels in music, drama, dance or any artistic profession. There is a love of making connections which is welcomed in social scenes of all kinds and gives easy popularity. Fosters aesthetic leanings with an appreciation of cultural matters. Sensual and refined with a tendency to be easy-going and accommodating.
Yeessss, stroke my ego. STROKE IT.

Sun Opposite Uranus
Unconventional, independent and drawn to whatever is different and original in life. Hates being tied down with the drudgery of routine, preferring instead to keep options open. Gets involved in causes that go against tradition, revolutions of one kind or another - social or political. Men in particular are eccentric or nonconformist. Computers, electronics and everything 'new-wave' appeals.
Filthy liberal hippie pink commie fascist and/or weirdo.

Moon in Pisces
Intuition is a fact of life, and you are sensitive, kind and gentle. A romantic with a tender heart, you love all that is musical and artistic. All of these aspects make you highly imaginative and idealistic. Strongly receptive, you can pick up on others' moods and emotions like a sponge. You have great empathy with the underdog and victims generally but must constantly beware of the tendency to see yourself as one and avoid the 'woe is me' lifestyle. There is also a hunger for emotional nourishment and for the ideal life. Don't be afraid to dream your impossible dream!
Goddammit now that song is stuck in my head I hate you astrology. Also, BEWARE OF EMO. "Woe is me" indeed. Hee.

Moon Square Neptune
Lives in the feelings. Inspiring and magnificently compassionate. Strong idealization of the family, past and traditional matters. Most imaginative when it comes to spirituality and psychology. Entrancing to others with an ability to draw them into a world of imagination and dreams. A high floater and full-blown dreamer, complete with built-in psychic abilities and probably given to visions.
"Cult leader."

Moon Sextile Venus
Personal charm and popularity. A natural talent in and appreciation of aesthetics. Works easily with music and the arts. A fine appreciation of female energy; excellent rapport with women. Affectionate and caring when it comes to relationships, can charm a prospective mate with ease. Attracts material benefits and prosperity.
Re: charming potential mates... my OKCupid profile says otherwise.

Moon Sesquiquadrate Mars
Energized emotions. Can be a real moving force in the lives of others. A natural group leader or trainer; vitality and drive are communicated to all in close contact, especially the young. Emotional enthusiasm is strong. Puts a lot of energy and effort into surroundings and the domestic environment, but home life may also be plagued with quarrels. Moral courage.
I refuse to believe that "Sesquiquadrate" is a word. You just mashed the keyboard for a while and added some more vowels.

Moon Sesquiquadrate Saturn
A natural architect. The intuitive organizer, able to manage and control both feelings and situations to a degree of coming on shy and reserved. Can find it difficult to give of emotion and support. The greatest quality is a profound sense of responsibility. This seriousness, while perhaps not the life of the party, is dependable and others trust that judgment. A detached nature. Women especially are prone to feelings of isolation or insecurity. Unembellished and to the point. Prefers the safety of 'staying put' over the risk of change.
"Unembellished and to the point" No, business school beat this out of me. If I was as unembellished and to the point as I wanted to be, none of my papers would have been longer than two pages.

Mercury in Taurus
You enjoy deliberation and have a very methodical mind. Able to develop sound logic and good arguments, you are practical, rather than abstract, and seldom nebulous. You make a good student. A fertile thinker, you are slow and steady but always down to earth. No "pie in the sky" here. You are careful and considerate.
Given enough time, I will rule as Supreme Overlord.

Mercury Opposite Saturn
You are very deliberate when it comes to words, to what you say and think. When you concentrate, you always come up with what is essential to the matter at hand, ignoring all else. You're anything but "flip," and your more serious approach to ideas, while welcome when there is mental work to do, may not always be appreciated when others are in more social moods. The sciences are natural for you.
"anything but 'flip'"... Um. I am deathly allergic to being serious. It's one of the first things I warn other people about. Oh, astrology. You are so full of it..

Mercury Trine Jupiter
You enjoy working with your mind and can usually find a solution to even the worst problems. You like to solve puzzles and dilemmas, yours or others'. Your skills in this regard make you expert at counseling and guiding others. Fine verbal skills and a n atural sense of justice makes legal work a distinct possibility. Working with laws, natural or man-made, amounts to a real talent. You also have a great interest in ideas, the more true and lasting the better. Philosophical concepts will be a lifelong concern for you.
I am very fond of sudoku...

Mercury Opposite Mars
You are a very forceful speaker and communicate with great enthusiasm. Words just flow out and are always followed by an emotional impact that brings them home to your listeners. You have no trouble putting your feelings into words; in fact, you may have to exercise some control over your tongue, for you are quick to say things and everything you communicate packs a wallop. Things you say mean a lot. You have a great mental drive and lavish great energy on mental pursuits of all kinds. Ideas, words, books, and the like are pursued with great gusto.
Better speaker than Hitler, y/y?

Venus in Taurus
You love to touch and can easily get in touch with those around you, especially in close relationships. You love food, luxuries and all the creature comforts. Money and what it buys are not only very important, but come easily for you. You are a gentle lover and like a good home life. Very loyal, loving and down-to-earth, you enjoy 'gift-giving' in all forms.
Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me...

Venus Sesquiquadrate Jupiter
You value fairness in all things and go out of your way to be just. You appreciate others who have been successful and may surround yourself with those in power, be they politicians, officials, what-have-you. Your sense of quality and discrimination may amount to some sort of livelihood for you. You could make your living with your good taste. In addition, you have an innate sense of how to work with and guide others in making decisions. You understand the choices and can spot the right ones.
If I ever surround myself with politicians, you have my permission to have me assassinated. Not the politicians. Me. Ideally in a way that really messes with the media.

Mars in Scorpio
You possess a powerful, persistent drive and are a hard, steady worker. Others may find you deep, with a sense of mission and mystery. You are willing to do work others would not go near, quietly bending things to your will, having it your own way. You have strong sexual energy too, and enjoy getting down to the nitty-gritty.
Nitty-gritty sex sounds uncomfortable. And sandy.

Mars Conjunct Saturn
You are responsible to the extreme, always taking on obligations and pushing yourself to the limit. You pursue your obligations with much emotion and obvious enthusiasm. You are spartan when it comes to your needs and surroundings. Small and less are beautiful for you. If anything, you try too hard and tend to force things. Others may find your approach too severe. You can be too sober and frugal.
"Drink more."

Mars Sextile Jupiter
You are a great doer, an accomplish-er. Your outgoing nature, coupled with extremely skillful ways of handling other people, make you a natural for working with or for the public. You would make an excellent teacher or coach, and helping others to make career decisions is a skill you possess. Your career is never a problem, for you have the kind of drive that others can only dream about. Everything works out well for you.
"You will stumble into undeserved success, for which everyone you know will resent you forever."

Mars Semisquare Neptune
A desire for unity and atonement. You have an urge to put out to sea and to somehow get past what separates and into that which unites or ties things together. Your drive to make dreams real keeps you working for your vision. The ideal should be made real. You put your whole heart into making your dreams and ideals a reality.
Someday, science will give me that neckfrill.

Jupiter in Capricorn
The perfect manager, conservative and professional in all things, your career is all-important. You are always practical, capable, competent and quick to get the outline or skeleton of a project to see how things work. You should welcome opportunities for discipline, because luck comes to you through self-control and through having a keen sense of purpose.
"You should have stayed in business school."

Jupiter Sextile Saturn
You are a natural architect and builder, able to use your mind to make decisions in matters of form and function. For you, the goal and the way to get to it are the same thing. You like to build each step and have each decision be an end in itself. Thing s must be done right. You also have great skill with the law, whether man-made or those of nature, and you can put all of this into words. You could well teach others in these areas. You understand how to handle authorities and have a natural gift at solving problems.
See also: Cult Leader, Supreme Evil Overlord.

Saturn in Scorpio
You are very aware of vulnerabilities, in yourself and others. You also have a natural ability to see into the hidden depths; that which underlies and informs the material world around us. Keeping secrets is easy for you and you may often find yourself in the position of trusted confidant. You may attempt to deny your own passions, but you need to accept instincts, attachments and all froms of pure experience as part of your unique process of individualization.
I should become a spy, to capitalize on these secret-obtaining and vulnerability-noticing tendencies.

Uranus in Sagittarius
You have new philosophical ideas for the future, and new approaches to travel and exploration of all kinds. Long journeys interest you. You may startle others with your direct conversations, always getting right to the nitty-gritty. You enjoy being alone, free and on the move. The original optimist.
Again with the nitty-gritty. How much gritty is there in this world, and why is it so nitty?

Uranus Semisquare Pluto
Secrets have a short half-life around you, for you have them out in a wink of an eye. You are brilliant when it comes to insights into the mind, psychology, and motivation -- yours or others'. Your intensity is obvious, and some may prefer to keep their distance rather than subject themselves to your laser eye. Nothing is passed over without being turned inside and out. Your analytical powers are superb, and you enjoy finding new avenues of inner growth.

Neptune in Capricorn
The practical is the ideal. Form follows function. You have a dream of being in control - the puppetmaster. You are very interested in tradition and tend to be dignified and conservative. You believe in an orderly society led by benevolent monarchs - those who can see what to do.
The "dignified and conservative" line is even funnier when you realize I read this while wearing an octopus hat.

Neptune Sextile Pluto
You work with real imagination and understanding in areas of the mind that are the most personal or private -- depth psychology. You are like a midwife of the spirit, assisting at the birth of each individual going through a spiritual or re-birth process. You accept the natural process of birth, spiritual and physical, and have dedicated yourself to helping it along. You would make a great teacher in these areas.
That's right. I take care of your spiritual vaginae.

Pluto in Libra
Change and inner growth tend to come through relationships, both friends and lovers. Marriage or union (yoga) will be very intense and not at all superficial. You get to the heart of a relationship each and every time.
"And then you keep that heart in a jar on the top shelf of your closet."

Sagittarius on the 1st House Cusp
Sagittarius is nothing if not direct, candid, and to the point, for this sign is always concerned with the absolute truth of the subject at hand. Associated with philosophy, outreach and all things boundless, Sagittarian energy is always welcome in politics as well as social and community endeavors where its basic fairness and expansiveness is helpful.
I can't not read that as "1st House Cup" and then I'm mostly distracted by what House I'd be in. Not smart enough for Ravenclaw, not brave enough for Gryffindor, not racist enough for Slytherin. Not particularly good at finding, but everyone knows Hufflepuff is the leftover House.

Uranus in the 1st House
A tendency to be eccentric and unconventional in appearance and mannerisms. Perhaps your approach to life -- the way you come on -- is unusual or different. You may be spontaneous, witty, and unpredictable.
Much more in keeping witht he octopus hat.

Neptune in the 1st House
You are a real charmer -- able to enchant others and bring them under your spell. You manage to communicate an almost mystical sense to a group. Your ideals and ability to see the whole picture are obvious to all who come to know you.
Cuuuuuult Leeeeeaaaderrrrrrr...

Capricorn on the 2nd House Cusp
Capricorn is the business head of the zodiac, for it is the very opposite of the emotional Cancer. Given to clear ambition and practical insight and vision, this sign always takes a distanced perspective and a cool appraisal. Deliberate and painstaking, sometimes to the point of austerity, Capricorn loves work and the hard-earned results. Status and material reward are very important.
This must be why I loved business school OH WAIT.

Jupiter in the 2nd House
Your career or life-path may depend on your talent for responding and making something out of ideas, insights... whatever is new and challenging. The business world may call for your ability to react and build on opportunities.
Ponzi schemes await!

Aquarius on the 3rd House Cusp
Aquarius, the sign of humanitarian goals and altruism. Always impartial and nonsectarian, Aquarian energy is communal (even global). The focus is on the goal, and the goal is always one that is for the many and not the few. Thus this sign is connected to far-seeing visions, world views and group work of all kinds. This sign tends towards coolness, independence.
"This sign posts "Click 'like' to stop cancer!" statuses on Facebook. Constantly."

Pisces on the 4th House Cusp
Pisces energy runs deep and toward the mystical -- whatever transcends the everyday world. This sign is understanding, patient and compassionate. Super-sensitive, it tends to absorb it's surroundings like a sponge. The sign is very trusting, accepting and giving of itself for the sake of more important issues. It loves free-ranging activities which allow for some imaginative scope.
I am a sponge. A free-range sponge.

Moon in the 4th House
You look to home and family for support and encouragement. History (personal or otherwise) interests you, and you tend toward nostalgia. Security is very important and you need to have real roots in order to be productive.
I will never move out of my parent's house. Sob.

Aries on the 5th House Cusp
Aries is the sign of pioneers, leaders and 'firsts'. It is impulsive, assertive and spontaneous. It tends to act first, only thinking about what it may have done later. Rushing in where others fear to tread, Aries energy is attention-getting and always provokes a response from the surroundings and from others. It takes decisive action and loves self-reliance.

Mercury in the 5th House
You can express feelings and put emotions into words. This could give you a flair for the dramatic, public speaking, poetry, and the arts. You are proud of your mind and enjoy using it, solving puzzles -- any creative mental outlet.
"You have completed numerous sudoku puzzles; almost enough to fool yourself into believing you have accomplished something."

Taurus on the 6th House Cusp
Taurus is about drawing on the bounty of the earth, and seeking material security and physical safety there. It is the on-going, enduring, unchanging and preserving element. Heightened sensory input is also important, for it is the mission of this sign to not only find a sense of place within the material realm, but to enjoy it to the fullest, becoming physically aware of, and bonding with the environment.

Sun in the 6th House
You are a good worker, always thinking and caring for things. You are naturally service-oriented and enjoy taking care of the needs of others. You are very discriminating and can sort out the good apples from the bad.
Customer Service hell is in my future.

Venus in the 6th House
You like to do things with care and enjoy being discriminating and exact. Your critical faculties are excellent, and you can always pick out what is worth saving and what is not. You appreciate a caring attitude and are service-oriented.

Gemini on the 7th House Cusp
Gemini is concerned with connections, communication and logic -- voice, thoughts, writing, and rational mental processes in general. It is also concerned with making comparisons, 'twins' and duplications of all kinds. Gemini is the communicator, the gossip of the zodiac, the collector of trivia. Gemini energy is unattached, independent, very inquisitive and changeable.
"Unattached". FOREVER ALONE.

Cancer on the 8th House Cusp
Cancer is the mother of the zodiac, always making a home, protecting and providing a foundation for others. A sensitive sign where feelings and real experience count more than cold logic, it doesn't get any more physical and emotional than this. Cancer energy is always nurturing, sensitive, tender and moody. It feeds on emotional comforts, and often has a strong attachment to the past and ancestry.
I will break your legs so you can't escape while I nurse you back to health BECAUSE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

Leo on the 9th House Cusp
Leo energy is expressive, vital and exuberant. Often very artistic, and always theatrical and dramatic, this is the sign of creativity and the arts. Warm and big-hearted, Leo lives in full appreciation and celebration of the finer elements of life, bringing a dynamism and enthusiasm to everything it touches. This is the fearless 'becoming' stage, where things are done for their own sake, playfully and with pleasure.
Doing things for their own sake is really the only way to explain about half the things I do.

Virgo on the 10th House Cusp
Virgo energy is analytical and precise, always separating out what is worthwhile and worth supporting from that which is outmoded and of no further use. A mental earth sign, here the mind takes control over matter. This is the sign of 'ways and means', implementation, instrumentation, physical effectiveness and efficiency. Virgo energy is always facilitating, often caring more for others than for itself.

Libra on the 11th House Cusp
Libra energy is always responsive and conciliating, assuming the appropriate reaction or delicately-weighted strategic response to any question or statement. What is sometimes seen as two-faced is only Libra's facility at responding to each in kind, giving both sides equal consideration. This is certainly the social sign, par excellence. Impersonal and impartial, this sign doles out only what is demanded - nothing overdone, but nothing neglected.
Also known as the "drama-llama" or "shit-stirrer."

Saturn in the 11th House
You work hard to make your dreams and ideals a reality. You work hard at community or group work. You spare no effort here. Humanitarian goals are central to your life's work.
"You are a workaholic, and will spend long, lonely weekends at the office. The copier will be your only friend."

Pluto in the 11th House
Your burning zeal for the ideal world and your need to be part of a group of like-minded souls are major factors in your makeup. You learn and grow through your efforts to help others and to make your inner vision into a reality.
"You will do anything to fit in. Eat a bug? Sure!"

Scorpio on the 12th House Cusp
Scorpio is intense, passionate, and very personal. It rushes past superficialities and right to the heart of any matter. A loyal friend but a fanatic foe, this sign does well in politics and all areas where someone who dares is rewarded. Associated with sexual energy, Scorpio loves to get involved, going down deeper, coming up dirtier, and laying bare anything that lies hidden there.
... Ladies.

Mars in the 12th House
You have a high degree of motivation when it comes to giving and to personal sacrifice. You feel understanding and accepting and are easily moved by the problems of others. Psychology in all of its forms is a driving force in your life.
"You are surrounded by crazy people."

This entry was originally posted at You can comment here or there; it matters only that you comment PLEASE I NEED THE ATTENTION OH GOD PLEASE LOVE ME *SOB*.

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