The Dark-Eyed Mistress of Sweet, Sweet Pain (jenni_the_odd) wrote,
The Dark-Eyed Mistress of Sweet, Sweet Pain
jenni_the_odd

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How to shop for clothes, the Jenni way

1. Go to a plus-size clothing website that combines multiple retailers' entire lines. Eliminate everything that is not your size.
2. Okay, that leaves us with about 20 items. Eliminate everything that is not black, because wearing things that are not black makes you crazy anxious, and you can make it through exactly three instances of friends and acquaintances greeting you with "Hey, you're wearing color!" before you get up, go home, and change clothes in a panic.
3. Now we're at closer to 15 things. Get rid of anything that is fitted or has a defined waist, since those don't work on you. Also get rid of anything sleeveless, since, no. And nothing that you can't wear a sports bra with, because that's all you have, because your body didn't get the memo that other fat girls' bodies got about developing a nice accommodating fat roll in the right spot for the bra band to rest on.
4. Okay, two things left. One of them is covered in ruffles, sequins, or both, and the other is out of stock until forever. It actually looks like it might be halfway okay (it is probably a weird length or has a strange hemline you hate, but them's the breaks), but before it comes back in stock, the company that makes it will go out of business, or discontinue the item. You might find it on eBay in a few years, used, for three times the original retail price.
5. Hooray, you buy nothing and continue to wear clothes that are faded and full of holes.

This entry was originally posted at http://jenni-the-odd.dreamwidth.org/19001.html. You can comment here or there; it matters only that you comment PLEASE I NEED THE ATTENTION OH GOD PLEASE LOVE ME *SOB*.
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