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1. What did you do in 2014 that you'd never done before?
Lost a sibling.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
No. I probably will.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
A few people I'm fb friends with had babies.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Emma, and my grandmother.
5. What countries did you visit?
Stayed in the US.
6. What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?
I don't know.
7. What dates from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory?
February 22nd, the day Emma died. Everything since then has been kind of blurry.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I'd say "I'm still alive" but honestly that doesn't feel like something worth celebrating.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Oh god there are so many. I had to take incompletes on two classes.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Got knocked on my ass by something two weeks ago, and at the exact same time my leg decided to have circulation problems. It's getting better, but it still hurts.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
It has not arrived, but I did buy myself a large stuffed shark. I plan to use it as a couch pillow.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
The fact that my mom has survived this year is so goddamned impressive. She had to bury her youngest child and her mother.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Was disappointed to realize that one dude I know is totally sleazy and gross, a few others just don't get racism, or understand how people on the interwebs do.
14. Where did most of your money go?
The usual costs. Food, housing, etc.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Nothing that I can recall.
16. What song will always remind you of 2014?
One Republic's "Counting Stars" was constantly on the radio for a while. Ke$ha's "Timber" also hit the airwaves right around the beginning of the year.
17. Compared to this time last year, you are:
Happier or sadder: So much sadder than I thought was possible.
Thinner or fatter: Fatter.
Richer or poorer: Richer, I suppose.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Talking to Emma. Hugging Emma.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
School. In retrospect I probably should have taken a semester off or maybe even dropped out. But I'm still here and hating every second.
20. How will you be spending/did you spend Christmas?
Christmas was super awkward and painful this year. No decorations, no tree, no stockings. Given how much my mom loves Christmas decorations, it was surreal. I can't remember a December in my life, even when she was sick or in a wheelchair with two sprained ankles, where our house wasn't covered in garland and lights and snowmen. This year we didn't even bother wrapping presents. The family Christmas gathering was small and subdued, on Christmas day, and we only stayed for about two hours.
21. What was your favorite month of 2014?
January. Emma was alive, school was rough but not yet overwhelming.
22. Did you fall in love in 2014?
I dunno. If you ask some of my friends, yes. At best it's a terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE crush that won't go away. Bonus, they're completely uninterested and head over heels for someone else. Hooray.
23. How many one-night stands?
24. What was your favorite TV program?
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
26. What was the best book you read?
I don't remember what all I've read, which means I guess none of them really stuck with me.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Don't think I made any.
28. What did you want and get?
I can't think of anything off the top of my head.
29. What did you want and not get?
I want Emma back.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
I think the only movie I saw was Frozen.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 30, and for the first time my mom let me just ignore my birthday.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If Emma had lived.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014?
"Cover that shit up, no one wants to see it." Same as always.
34. What kept you sane?
If anything, the knowledge that my parents couldn't handle burying a second child.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
There were a lot. Many people are very pretty.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Trans rights, health care, gay rights, feminism, the usual. Was mostly too burnt out to be outraged over GamerGate or other MRA-type nonsense, for the most part.
37. Who did you miss?
I miss Emma. We didn't talk a lot, like, on the phone or text, but she was a constant presence on social media. It still feels strange not seeing her posts or tweets, or the pictures of her outfits or her friends. And of course when I'm in Houston, the dynamic of the house is entirely different. It's like an open wound.
38. Who were the best new people you met?
The new students seem pretty cool.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014:
I'd say "treat everyone like it might be the last time you see them," but for the most part I already do. I'm so goddamned lucky that the last time I saw Emma in person I gave her a hug and told her I loved her. I'm so fortunate that we never fought. That to my knowledge, she never had cause to believe anything other than the truth: that I loved her so, so much, and I was so proud of her.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Sara Bareilles, "Uncharted."
My tears won't make any room for more,
And it don't hurt like anything I've ever felt before,
this is no broken heart,
No familiar scars,
This territory goes uncharted...
Just me, in a room sunk down in a house in a town, and I
Don't breathe, no I never meant to let it get away from me
Now, I've too much to hold, everybody has to get their hands on gold,
And I want uncharted.
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