The Dark-Eyed Mistress of Sweet, Sweet Pain (jenni_the_odd) wrote,
The Dark-Eyed Mistress of Sweet, Sweet Pain

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Did you ever feel like you're going along with life as an outsider in your body, powerless to stop or take control, and unable to react or express your thoughts through the thick fog that envelops you?

Or perhaps I'm being too dramatic again. I do that. But after school today, it seemed like I was just sort of watching as I went through my usual motions. I went home. I changed. I went to school. As was expected of me, I ranted because my sister was demanding that I take her places and was upset that I didn't particularly want to do so. I drove she and Sarah to McDonalds and Target. I drove them back to school. I sat and talked to Alan for a minute. I don't remember what about. I'm not even sure I was talking to Alan. It might have been David. Automatically, I told him he was sexy. (We're working on his self-esteem, Nicole and I) Like a good little robot, I went to sectionals and pretended to care very deeply about whether or not the sets looked right. I went back to the band hall, sat around. I don't remember who I sat with or what I talked about. At the game, I started zoning out. I ignored whoever it was who sat next to me, I think they kept trying to talk to me. On the way home, I was sick of acting normal and made a few comments, automatically asked if anyone was going aywhere after the game, and then drove Marissa home without thinking, and drove Nicole and myself home as well. I don't remember seeing the road. That's probably not good. I was just... tired. Tired of being. I dunno if that makes sense.

When I got home, I retreated to my room. I sat in the corner for a long time... I had this incredibly strong urge to take one of my exacto knives, or something sharp, and just slash at myself, my arms, my neck, my legs... and let it all bleed away....

I didn't. I might not. Part of me wants to stay away from sharp things, and another part wants to see if I've really got the guts to do it.

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