The Dark-Eyed Mistress of Sweet, Sweet Pain (jenni_the_odd) wrote,
The Dark-Eyed Mistress of Sweet, Sweet Pain
jenni_the_odd

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._.

*sigh*

Ever have one of those days when you just feel... worthless? Useless? Unwanted?
I dunno. I say that a lot, half-jokingly, but today somehow I think it's very true. When you look at it, I'm not very necessary.

I think Emily has the mistaken idea that Michael and I are together or some such... we were talking in class and she said something about Michael hurting anyone who hurt me - He used to be like that with Emily. He tends to be very protective of the people he cares about, and if you even say something slightly derogatory about the girl he loves, he can become quite angry defending her. 9_9 and while I like to think I can take care of myself, thankyouverymuch, it'd be so nice to see him stick up for me like that. Oh well. heh. Several people in band think we're a couple (I've been trying to set that rumor straight since fourth grade - we aren't, dammit!) and the ones who know we aren't, think we should be. Ugh. It's getting very annoying to grit my teeth and say "no, we're not going out, we're just friends." Especially since the next word out of the person's mouth is inevitably "why?"... *grumble*

After the senior group picture was taken today, I saw Alan... He asked me why I was standing by myself, I told him it was because I wasn't fond of people. We discussed how he's the only person I really talk to at school on a regular basis... and I talk to Michal online (at least, I do now...) on a fairly regular basis... we laughed. I have two friends! One for school, and one online... wonderful...
I've never been good with people as far as friendships go. In elementary school, I got along with no one. In middle school, I had the usual gaggle of girlfriends, but when the one I hung out with most often moved away, they decided I wasn't worth their time anymore. Once I got to high school... eh... I talk to Michael online, as I said, but at school he's got other friends who are a lot more fun to hang out with. 'Sides, I hardly see him during the day anyway. I see Emily sometimes at lunch, but I've never really been able to enjoy her company for too long. I think it comes from not liking, trusting, or respecting her.

My mom really wants me to go to UT because it's a large school. She's hoping I'll be willing to talk to more than one or two people there. Good luck, mom. 9_9 She liked high school. She was pretty, and popular, and she played several sports. She just can't comprehend why my excuse for not going to homecoming/junior prom/senior prom/every formal held/any other social gathering is "I don't want to". She understands Nicole a bit better; that child was made for the social scene. She's not happy unless she's with a group of crazy people, and people gravitate towards her. I say that when the genes in our family were divided up, Emma got the looks, Gabriel got the musical inclination and comedic timing, Nicole got the personality, and I got what was left. @__@

I need a hug. Ever have one of those days? I'm having one of those days. I just need a hug. Problem is, I have huge issues with trusting people. I will not accept hugs from anyone but a very select few. Maybe one or two people... Only one who's anywhere nearby at the moment (the other one I haven't seen in years... I probably wouldn't know her if I saw her). I've known them both for a very long time, and they know me (or did, in one case) better than anyone else... And they won't want to hug me anyway. 9_9 so it's not even worth thinking about.

*sigh* *crawls off to her bed*
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