The Dark-Eyed Mistress of Sweet, Sweet Pain (jenni_the_odd) wrote,
The Dark-Eyed Mistress of Sweet, Sweet Pain
jenni_the_odd

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*sigh* Note to self: steal Michael's suburban...

*wants very much to curl up in the back of Michael's car and just go to sleep*
for some reason, I really really like his car. e.O mayhaps I'll snitch his keys from him someday and just hide.
Part of it is, I'm pretty sure, that it's a big car. You feel alone when you're the only one in the backseat, even if other people are up front. And dammit, I miss being alone. I miss being able to talk to myself, to listen to whatever music - or none at all - that I choose... I really do.
I don't... I'm never by myself anymore. And maybe that's what's getting to me so bad; I used to want to be around people, I used to wish people would call me up and say "hey, we're having a party, want to come?" or "wanna go see a movie, we're all going"... now I loathe the thought. I hide when the phone rings. thank goodness it's almost always for Nicole. She'll ask to come with me when I go on little trips to the store and I cringe, not because her company is unpleasant, but because it is company; because there is another body in the vehicle with me. My car is not my own anymore. It's always full of people... full of their sounds, smells, and the trash and dirt and permanent feeling of activity that they leave behind.
I have no door to my room. I actually managed to fall asleep last night... then Nicole ran up to tell me she needed me to go get something for her project. I think I managed an hour and a half of sleep the rest of the night.
I avoided the computer, too. It's downstairs in the large room where my siblings and I tend to spend most of our time. When I go to the computer I subject myself to Gabriel's tendency to listen to the TV at an insane level; to his tuba, guitar, mandolin, and harmonica playing (he's the musically inclined one), to Nicole's chatter on the phone, bitching about homework, and constant insistence that I check to see if her friends are online so she can talk to them through the computer as well as the phone. And there's Emma, who wanders around, usually singing or arguing with Gabriel. When they turn on the television I can't have any music playing on the computer (I've not seen my headphones in years, either Gabriel or Nicole borrowed them and they've never given them back). I rather miss being able to play my "Crappy Japanese Pop" or my "Stupid Angry Goth Music", as Nicole has dubbed a few of the different things I listen to.
I miss not having people in my life. I never thought I would, but I do.
I'm shaking. damn. I hate when my hands are shaky. I can't feel my fingers anymore, either... I'm going to go home during lunch, I think, and try to put together my binder for Comp. Networking. I don't think it'll do any good, but I suppose it's worth a desperate shot.
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