The Dark-Eyed Mistress of Sweet, Sweet Pain (jenni_the_odd) wrote,
The Dark-Eyed Mistress of Sweet, Sweet Pain

someone said something to me on the bus ride to Spring (the contest we went to last Wed., I think) that I just remembered.

"You don't have a very high opinion of yourself, do you?"

No, no I don't. Many have searched for the source of my seemingly endless feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy (all right, not many. Maybe two. Or no one at all - I don't think they always tell me when they search. And who the hell is "they", anyway?) that dwell within my soul, and no one (to my knowledge, at least) has ever been able to discover exactly why I have such a low opinion of myself.
But fact is, I do. Listening to me talk for any extended period of time will more than likely result in several instances of referrals to my low intelligence and generally frightening appearance. :D I am my own worst critic. Average creative turnaround time (i.e. time it takes for me to go from somewhat liking a drawing/writing piece to absolutely hating it and wanting it to die a bloody, painful death) is about half an hour. Less if I'm wide awake. I can pick out flaws in my work so accurately that it never ceases to amaze me how crappy it is anyway. @_@ You'd think, with my mad skillz in detecting ickyness in the stuff I'd draw, that I'd eventually eliminate it. But nooooo...

And I think a large part of the reason I avoid most people is that I don't want to fuck up their lives. I seem to have a wonderful talent for being in the way and causing complications. It's what I'm good at. And so, to avoid making people's lives more miserable than they have to be, I figure it's just easier to avoid them. I'm also not too bright in most cases. Deep, intilelectual discussions? Nope, not with me. Just doesn't happen. It's been so long since I actually read anything. I used to read articles on mental illness and such for fun. Maybe I should start doing that again. I can hide in the library during lunch... yeeesss... that would be nice.

And don't get me started on personality and/or looks. Since by now I'm sure anyone who's still reading is annoyed by my bitching, I'll probably stop there. That and I have to go clean out my car.

And don't you people who actually bother to read this crap DARE post "you're-not-so-bad" messages. I will destroy you. Under most circumstances, I absolutely loathe sympathy directed towards me - even when a person is being sincere, it just sounds so fake.

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